Give Me My Baby!

After I was released from the hospital, I endured a painful recovery. As I popped pain pills, suffered from stomach pains that are unimaginable and walked with a gentle limp, I kept telling myself that it will all be worth it. The HSG and SIS tests that I'd taken six weeks after my surgery revealed that my tubes were clear and my uterus was healthy. There was no scarring to prevent implantation. Six more weeks and I could try for the first time.

The day AF arrived was the most exciting day that I could remember in a long time. I was actually happy to see my period come. It's funny, but for us women who are trying to conceive, AF is a blessing at some times and a curse at other times. This time her visit was a blessing. I called the  RE's office, excitement permeating my voice. It rubbed off because the nurse was excited right along with me. I'm smiling, even now, as I think of our conversation. We scheduled my day 2 ultrasound. I knew this would be my time!! I knew that I would get pregnant on the first time. The statistics that said it didn't happen didn't apply to me. 

I went in for my day 2 ultrasound and the nurse found 12 antral follicles. There were only 6 in June. I was given Clomid, to be taken days 3 to 7. Day 9, I gave myself a shot of Gonal F. Giving myself a shot was foreign to me and scary. But, I sucked it up because this would help me achieve my dream of conceiving little Jaydon. But, I felt like the biggest fool when I spilled half the shot. I was heartbroken. I knew that I'd ruined my chances of getting pregnant that cycle. The next day, the nurse assured me that I didn't ruin my chances of having a child. Rather on December 30, 2010, my day 12 ultrasound showed that I'd responded quite well to the Clomid and Gonal F. I had two mature follicles and a possible. I gave myself the HCG trigger shot that night. I went in on December 31 and January 1 for easy, back to back IUIs.

Uggggh, the dreaded TWW began. But, I handled it very well for the first seven days. I wasn't too nervous. I tried not to think about it too much. Then over dinner with a friend on day 7dpiui, I felt my first bout of nausea. Could it possibly be? The nervousness hit me full force at this point. I just knew I was pregnant. I'd done it. I was pregnant. In my excitement at the thought of being pregnant, I became a basket case. I was on the internet every day, all day. I questioned everything that was going on with my body. Could I take a really hot shower or will that harm the fetus? Could I eat Balsamic Vinigrette dressing/? How much tuna fish could I really eat? Would it be ok if I warmed up by roast beef sub in the microwave? Then about 10piui my breasts became sore and heavy. OMG!! I was pregnant. Wasn't this a classic symptom of pregnancy? "Thank God," I thought, "I'm pregnant."

Imagine my disappointment and heartache when I received my BFN and AF 14dpiui. I cried and was depressed the entire day. I didn't go into work. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to answer the phone. I couldn't help it. How could my body fool me like that? BFN, AF be damned!! My dreams had been dashed.

What do I do now? There was nothing I could do but continue with the process. More to follow on how I got back on the horse.

Don't Judge Me!

"You couldn't take care of your two dogs, but now you're gonna try to have a baby. Hmmm."

I sat silently, a frown marring my features, as I stared in disbelief, hurt and pain at my friend who had just made this judgmental and careless comment. We were having lunch in honor of my 40th birthday.  Her tone rankled, as it dripped with censure and displeasure. In that one little statement, I understood perfectly how she felt about my announcement. Suddenly, I lost my appetite and any desire to celebrate with her. As I sat there in pain, I wondered why I picked this time to announce that I would be having a child via donor insemination.

After pensive reflection, I realized that I made my announcement because I didn't expect my friend to express such open hostility toward my decision to conceive a child. I should have known better. As a married woman with two children, my friend could not fathom why I would decide to do have a child alone and out of wed-lock. Considering that I'd been in a serious car accident and was simply not able to take care of my puppies, I believe mentioning my puppies was a smoke screen. Rather, I believe my friend had a fundamental issue with a single person having a child out of wed-lock and donor insemination. Instead of just saying so, she chose to attack my character.

But her attitude was not isolated. Another friend wanted to make sure I knew how difficult being a single mother would be. My pastor wanted to know why I didn't just wait for Mr. Right. "What happens if you meet someone," he asked. They wanted to know what I would tell Jaydon about his or her father. The questions continued to come. The negativity continued to pour out like the Niagara Falls.

Many people share my friends' and pastor's belief system. Some believe it's wrong from a moral perspective. Some think being a single mother would be too hard. Others simply have a negative perception of single women who resort to donor insemination in order to have a child. People think we must be desperate and unattractive. They think something must be wrong for us. People feel that if we can't do it the traditional way, then we should not do it all. We should be happy with our "lot" in life and give up on our dreams of becoming mothers. Maybe God did not intend for us to become mothers.

I find this attitude short-sighted and unfair. Many of us who  decide to become single mothers by choice are older, educated, financially stable and ready to become moms. We have more resources at our disposal than many young couples entering into parenthood. Why shouldn't we be parents? Why should we give up on our dreams? Why should we wait for Mr. Right to enter our lives, when our biological clocks are ticking? Many of us date, but simply have not found the right guy. In my case, I am divorced. Having a child with my ex-husband would have been a disaster. As I am running out of time to have a baby of my own, I began seriously considering donor insemination. Why should we forget about what modern science has to offer us in the way of conception by donor insemination and/or IVF? I believe that we should be given a chance to have the children we want and desire. I believe that in the end it is in God's control whether he allows us to conceive by donor insemination. It is the right decision for me.

Because I have held firmly to my desire to conceive a child, my friend and I are no longer talk. She could not come to terms with my decision. I refused to change my mind. So, there you go. I know that I what I am doing is the right thing for me! I know I will have my child. Those who are with me, are with me. Those who are not with me, are against me. That being said, I have to move on with my life. I have to live my life for me, my happiness and the happiness of my child. My little Jaydon and I will have, in our lives, those who can appreciate him/her and my decision to have him/her even in the face of adversity.

Thank God for my close friends who actually do support me. I shall not be dissuaded. Jaydon mommy will do anything within her power to ensure you have a chance at life!

My Baby Daddy! I Have a Choice!

Soul Mates

SBF seeking a SB/WM. Must be Tall. Dark. Handsome. Extremely Intelligent. College-Educated (preferably with a Master's or Doctorate degree), Accomplished. Athletic. Well-Rounded. Well-Traveled. Likes Pets. Filled with Good Humor. Easy Going...

Hmmmm. This would make a great personals ad for a prospective husband/soulmate.

But, what if I add the following? Excellent Eye Sight. Excellent General Health. No Familial History of Genetic Diseases. No Familial History of Mental Illness. CMV Negative. No History of Acne. Straight Teeth. No Male Pattern Baldness. Exceptional Sperm Count.

Aaaaaah. Doesn't sound very romantic, does it?  Now, it has become something totally different. This set of criteria are not things one usually thinks about when dating and falling in love. Rather, my "personals ad", along with the added criteria, actually morphed into many of the characteristics I would require for the father of my children.

As I considered having a baby on my own, without a boyfriend or a husband, I was forced to consider using donor sperm to make it happen. At the outset, the process of choosing the father/donor for my child seemed  quite overwhelming. So, I started the search for my "baby daddy" with trepidation, fearful I wouldn't find someone who met my expectations.

"Well," you might ask, "How did I come to my decision?" It wasn't easy. I started with choosing the right sperm bank. After hours of research and studying various materials, I settled on three sperm banks: Xytex, CCB and Fairfax. Then the real work began. Using my personals ad and additional characteristics, I searched the databases of each sperm bank. The amount of information available is astounding. You can search for such criteria as race, height, CMV status, blood type, reported pregnancies, open donor or anonymous donor, etc. After doing several searches, I received a number of prospects.

Contrary to popular belief, there is a plethora of information available on a donor, including personal medical histories, extensive family medical histories, personality profiles, childhood and adult photos, audio interviews and written essays. The sperm banks try to provide as much information as possible to help clients make this life-altering decision. The amount of information provided makes one feel as if they actually know the donors.

I surveyed at least 20 profiles with serious interest. Then I narrowed my choices to the top three profiles from each sperm bank. I was down to nine. At this point, I narrowed my choices by choosing the sperm bank I would most like to work with. The one I chose actually has a policy of contacting donors once the child is 18, regardless of whether the donor is open or anonymous. This sperm bank also has a free sibling registry for its clients. This way, my child can make contact with his/her brothers and sisters while growing up.
Finally, I chose my top donor from my favorite sperm bank. My donor had everything I was looking for in the father of my child.

True Soul Mates

My choice made, a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. There are no words to express the excitement I felt. And then I realized what a wonderful experience this was. I was getting exactly what I wanted for the father of my child.  "Love" didn't cloud my judgement. I could choose my "baby daddy" based upon the factors that were important to me. This person had everything I wanted from a mental, physical and health perspective. My chosen donor, number 12261, would provide me with my true soul mate -- the child that I so desperately desire!!

It's All In The Name

Once I made the decision to have a baby, the idea of carrying a little one inside me took hold and captured me firmly in its grasp. It seemed as if I could think of nothing else. I wanted a baby. I wanted the joy of bringing another human being into the world. I wanted to pour love into the life of a child I had created. I wanted the pride of nurturing a child who will make his/her positive, soul-stirring mark on the world.  In essence, I wanted to be a mother. 

But, as I scoured the internet and literature on pregnancy and becoming a mother, I found tons of statistics that say my time had passed, that my chances of conceiving were slim, that I really shouldn't bank on getting pregnant by intrauterine insemination. This material said that the time to have gotten pregnant was before I hit the age of 35, but most definitely before I was 40. This material would have dashed the hopes of many. But the authors of this material didn't know me, my circumstances or my belief system.

You see, I am a Christian and I believe my chances of getting pregnant are dependent on my calling out a particular name--and that name is Jesus Christ. I put my faith and trust in Him. Without Him, I would have no hope, no real belief that I can do this--travel this long, hard road to motherhood. But with Him, I can do all things because He strengthens me. 

As I considered the name of Jesus Christ, it hit me how powerful a name could be. In fact, research has shown that names can affect a person's personality and their lot in life. See Behind the Name by H. Edward Deluzain. His article can be found at http://www.behindthename.com/articles/2.php. In looking at the importance of names, it became obvious that I must give my child a name that is fraught with meaning, a name that speaks life. In the blink of an eye, the name Jadon popped into my mind and rolled off my tongue with such remarkable ease. I don't know where I heard it or why I thought of it. Looking it up, I found Jadon is a Hebrew name which means God Has Heard. How fitting!! I read all the statistics, talked to the doctors. I knew how difficult getting pregnant would be for me. But, I also knew that once I had my baby it would be because "God Had Heard" me. In just a few seconds, my baby's first name was set in stone. 

The middle name was not so easy. But, after much thought,  I decided I wanted a middle name that means prayer. I found names that fit perfectly-thanks to websites dedicated to providing the meanings of baby names. If I have a boy, the middle name will be Declan (prayer). If I have a girl, the middle name will be Sinclaire (woman of prayer).

Jadon Declan (boy) or Jaiden Sinclaire (girl) -- the perfect name(s) for my child!!!  I want my baby to know God heard me and gave me a beautiful child. I also want my child to be someone who prays. In the end, I want my child to realize the essence of who they are is all in their name. 

No Pain, No Gain!

MYOMECTOMY!  It has been 7 1/2 months! Yes, 7  1/2 months since that momentous day in September. The day I could have died. Yet, the day my hope of having a baby was renewed. It was the day of my Myomectomy. Even now, a part of me cringes at the mere mention of that word. But another part of me says, "Thank you God. Thank you for giving me hope."

"What's the big deal?", you might ask, "What could be so horrible, yet so hopeful, about one simple word?" Well, I will tell you. A myomectomy is a very painful and intense surgery that is used to remove non-cancerous growths called fibroids from a woman's uterus. See, in order to conceive my little Jaydon, I needed this surgery because there were fibroids blocking both of my fallopian tubes. Many women in my position, who no longer desire children, would opt for a hysterectomy, a surgery which removes a woman's uterus and any chance she has of having a baby. However, the purpose of a myomectomy is to preserve the woman's uterus and her chances of conceiving a child. Thank God for modern science providing the ability to preserve my uterus. But, for me, this surgery was more intense than for most.

I was pretty relaxed that morning going into surgery. My mother and pastor were there with me. We prayed and that helped me to feel calm. I told my mom to be happy in life if I didn't make it out alive. Yea, I admit to being slightly melodramatic. But, I knew there were dangers going into the surgery. I just didn't know how dangerous this particular surgery would be.

The hospital staff then put me under general anesthesia and everything went black. The surgeon, who I will refer to by code name as Dr. Mike, thought there were only about 7 or 8 of these pesky fibroids to remove. But, once he got in there, he discovered there were 27. Yes, people 27. I should point out that the number and size of the fibroids determine how pervasive the surgery will be. The sizes of my fibroids ranged from tiny to huge. My poor uterus! No wonder it was the size of a 16-week pregnancy. To find and remove these 27 fibroids, Dr. Mike made an incision in my bikini line, almost hip to hip (similar to the incision used for a C-section). He invaded my body with his tools and removed the fibroids, cutting them out the old fashioned-way, with a scalpel. Dr. Mike did his best to restructure my uterus to maximize my chances of getting pregnant.

Let's not forget the emergency blood transfusion. People, I could have died.  Fibroids, by nature, tend to bleed. So, there is a danger of bleeding out. I lost way more blood than expected. I woke up to find that I had low blood pressure and the whole time I was in the hospital they had to keep a watch on it. In fact the day I was released, they had originally decided to hold me because my blood pressure was too low.

Then there was the danger of nicking other organs, like my bladder. He didn't nick my bladder, but God knows it felt like it. I was not comfortable urinating for at least 3 1/2 weeks after the surgery. One of the fibroids was removed from an area near my bladder and when I urinated, I guess it pushed against that area.  Each time I went to the bathroom, I thought my insides were dropping out.

Once the surgery is done and they stitch you up, you are forced to get out of bed within 12 to 24 hours. I can not express the pain. Your internal organs have been massacred! You're doped up on drugs for the pain, and you have to walk around. It's not fun at all!!!! I was out of work for a total of six weeks and still was not 100% ready to go back. But, I needed to get back to work as soon as I could. I would say it was another 3 or 4 weeks before I felt totally back to my old self again.

Six weeks after the surgery Dr. Mike performed a follow-up SIS to check my uterus and then a follow-up HSG to check my fallopian tubes and outer uterus. Praise God! Good News!!! The surgery worked. There was NO scar tissue and both my fallopian tubes were OPEN!! No blockage. The surgery was a raving success! I could try to conceive six weeks from the date of these tests!! What a blessing!! I left there on cloud 9. My hope of conceiving was renewed. So, I guess a part of me doesn't cringe at the word. MYOMECTOMY, as it will allow me to conceive my little Jaydon, I admit that I'm now happy to say, "Myomectomy." I will shout it from the highest rooftop!!! And Yes, I will do it again in a heartbeat. My little Jaydon is worth it!!!!

Tests, Tests, Tests and More Tests!

The decision to use donor sperm had been made, and a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. But my relief was short-lived, as I learned what lay ahead of me. First, as mentioned in a previous post, the doctor performed a D&C with a hysteroscopy. The doctor removed polyps, which I never knew I had and which cause infertility. Unfortunately,  my fibroids were too numerous and too big to be removed by this surgery. The doctor thought I might need a more painful, extensive surgery, known as a myomectomy.   I  knew the painful and extensive six-week recovery period this type of surgery required, as I had one in 2002. I hoped and prayed I would not need this surgery.

To determine whether a myomectomy was necessary, my gynecologist referred me to a fertility specialist, Reproductive Endocrinologist ("RE"). The RE would also perform tests to determine whether my age would interfere with my ability to get pregnant.  Although the thought of seeing the fertility specialist was daunting, I held out hope. You see,  women get pregnant all the time with fibroids. Heck, my mom had four children and she had fibroids. Maybe, just maybe, I could get pregnant.

The day arrived for the appointment with the RE. I was scared, nervous and excited all at the same time. I didn't really know what to expect, but I had a painstakingly prepared list of questions to ask the RE. I WAS READY!! Or so I thought! The RE asked me to tell  him about myself. I explained that I was 40, looking to get pregnant by donor insemination (as I was single) and that I had fibroids which has caused my uterus to be the size of a 16 weeks pregnancy. Well, the doctor proceeded to pontificate on the difficulties and improbabilities of my being able to get pregnant at my age: I was 40. My eggs probably weren't that good. My chances of getting pregnant was less than 2%. I really shouldn't do IUI, but should go straight to IVF. But, if I decided to do IUI, then I would have to go straight to injectable drugs. And if I wanted to take my chances with timed IUI and have a chance of less than 2% of getting pregnant, then that was my choice. Also, it seemed as if I bothered him with my questions!!! Now, I wonder why I even bothered to ask any questions.

I left there in tears. I couldn't believe it. He said all of this without conducting one test on me. Needless to say, I knew I would not go back there. His negativity and lack of respect for me as a prospective patient and a person was too much!!!!! So, I called another practice, used by a friend of mine. She got pregnant there with IUI.

I went even more nervous and scared than at the meeting with the first RE. Well, I needn't have been. This doctor handled things much differently and much more professionally. After I told him (in great detail) about my experience with the first RE, he explained that he would never make suggestions regarding the appropriate treatment without first conducting all relevant tests. He assured me that until the testing showed differently, he would not treat me like a lost cause. That day, he conducted a series of blood tests, which included, my estradiol levels, FSH, etc. He also performed a baseline ultrasound. From those tests, it was discovered, I had normal estradiol levels, a 9.6 FSH (below 10), which was good and six antral follicles. Of course, the RE would like to see more, but that's still good. Further testing required that I give so much blood that the phlebotomist suggested I ate something afterwards. But, it was worth it because the tests revealed I had normal progesterone levels, had no sexually transmitted diseases, no commonly known genetic diseases.

Next, I had to have an SIS and an HSG. With the SIS, they inject a saline solution into the uterus to see if it is normal. I passed with flying colors. The next day, I had an HSG, this tests looks at the uterus and the fallopian tubes to make sure there is no blockage. This test--I did not pass. Unfortunately, the fibroids had blocked not just one, but both of my fallopian tubes. I could not get pregnant without having the myomectomy. I was crushed, devastated. I cried for a few days. But, eventually, I scheduled the date for the surgery. Through my faith in God, my hope was renewed and I chose to see the surgery as simply one more step toward achieving my dream of having a baby.

I will share more about my surgery next time.

I’m 40, Want to Get Pregnant, But I’m Single and Need Sperm!!!

My decision to have a baby brought a breath of fresh air to my life.  There was just one wrinkle in my plan–I didn’t have a man!!! I’d broken up with the guy I was seeing one month before being told by the doctor that I had to have a baby right away. Considering the fact that in order to get pregnant, one needs a man’s sperm to meet a woman’s egg, I realized I was missing a big piece to the puzzle. Well, how in the world could I contemplate getting pregnant if I didn’t have a husband or even a boyfriend?

The baby daddy question occupied my thoughts night and day. I tossed and turned at night. Pulled at my hair during the day. Thank goodness I wear acrylic nails or I would have bitten my finger nails until they bled.  You need sperm to have a baby. I DIDN’T HAVE ANY SPERM!! What in the world was I going to do?

One day-in the midst of agonizing over this “little” wrinkle in my plan, a light bulb went off and in big, bold letters I saw the word “INSEMINATION” flash brightly in my mind’s eye!  I was so pleased with this epiphany. Plenty of women have done it. Why can’t I? Well, I absolutely can do it. I was so pumped after making this decision. The answer to my agonizing had presented itself.

Alas, my relief was short-lived, as a whole new set of issues presented themselves. Whose going to be the father? Should I ditch the idea of insemination altogether and ask my ex-boyfriend to take me back?  Is there anyone I know who will agree to this?  If I don’t know someone who will do this for me , will I really consider an anonymous donor–being injected with a total stranger’s sperm? If I chose an anonymous donor, will my child ever know his or her father? So many questions, so few answers.

So with my warped way of thinking, I did the most logical thing one could, I contacted my ex-boyfriend and asked if he would consider donating his sperm and giving up all rights to the child. You see, if there wasn’t going to be a full-time father, then I wanted to raise the child on my own. And I didn’t want to get back with my ex-boyfriend. I broke up with him for a reason and those issues remained. But, if he would agree to let me have his sperm and didn’t require parental rights, then I would be happy. I would allow my child  to contact his or her father when the child was older. The two of them could develop a relationship at that time, if that is what the child wanted. Yeah, all was well with this plan in the screwed up organ I have for a brain. Needless to say, my proposal didn’t  pan out too well. My ex-boyfriend wanted me back. He didn’t want to father a child and then not be involved in that child’s life.  I stuck to my guns and insisted on him donating. He agreed grudgingly. But never carried through. I don’t think he ever had any intention on doing so. Seriously, who can blame the guy? I certainly don’t!!!

So, I shared my desire to conceive with a co-worker. We’d never dated, never been physical, nothing. Right there on the spot, he offered to father my child (but not by insemination). I would have to agree to actual intercourse and marriage. Marriage? I didn’t want to get married again. Oh yea, did I mention I married quite a few years ago and divorced less than two years later? Let’s just say, I’m quite happy being single after that experience.  But, my co-worker was adamant regarding marriage. At this point, my life started to read like a freakin’ soap-opera. Does this really happen to normal, ordinary, everyday people? I guess it does because it was happening to me. I actually considered it, I really did!!! But, as my co-worker and I started to discuss this in earnest, I realized he and I wouldn’t suit. Our thoughts and ideas on religion, raising children and other pertinent issues differed way too much.  I would be miserable, which would in turn, make my child miserable.  After several months of us talking about it and going back and forth, I decided that I could not commit to marry him and raise a child with him with all our differences. Soooo, I was back at square-one. I’m surprised I still have hair will all the tugging on it I was doing.

That being said, I had to seriously consider the idea of an anonymous donor. I discovered there were two types, open and completely anonymous. If I chose an open-donor, then the issue I had with my child never knowing his or her father would be deleted. I discovered how rigorously donors are tested for genetic and sexually-transmitted diseases, as well as the extensive medical history on not just the donor, but the donor’s children (if they have any), mother, father, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Additionally, there is extensive information on the donor’s education, profession, grades, likes and dislikes and personality tests. I dare say, most women know more about their sperm donor than a man they would date and subsequently marry!!! After discovering all this information, the decision to use an anonymous donor was much easier to accept.

I know many people reading this will not be understanding of my decision. But, I implore you to hold off on judging. I have found that most people who are negative regarding donor insemination don’t know much about it and have children of their own. My decision was the right one for me. My decision has brought me much relief. No more headaches or worry regarding this issue. Now, if I can just get pregnant!! It’s not going to be easy at my age and with my health issues.

Next time, I will start to talk about the testing and surgeries I’ve had to endure on my journey to Motherhood.