I sat silently, a frown marring my features, as I stared in disbelief, hurt and pain at my friend who had just made this judgmental and careless comment. We were having lunch in honor of my 40th birthday. Her tone rankled, as it dripped with censure and displeasure. In that one little statement, I understood perfectly how she felt about my announcement. Suddenly, I lost my appetite and any desire to celebrate with her. As I sat there in pain, I wondered why I picked this time to announce that I would be having a child via donor insemination.After pensive reflection, I realized that I made my announcement because I didn't expect my friend to express such open hostility toward my decision to conceive a child. I should have known better. As a married woman with two children, my friend could not fathom why I would decide to do have a child alone and out of wed-lock. Considering that I'd been in a serious car accident and was simply not able to take care of my puppies, I believe mentioning my puppies was a smoke screen. Rather, I believe my friend had a fundamental issue with a single person having a child out of wed-lock and donor insemination. Instead of just saying so, she chose to attack my character.
But her attitude was not isolated. Another friend wanted to make sure I knew how difficult being a single mother would be. My pastor wanted to know why I didn't just wait for Mr. Right. "What happens if you meet someone," he asked. They wanted to know what I would tell Jaydon about his or her father. The questions continued to come. The negativity continued to pour out like the Niagara Falls.
Many people share my friends' and pastor's belief system. Some believe it's wrong from a moral perspective. Some think being a single mother would be too hard. Others simply have a negative perception of single women who resort to donor insemination in order to have a child. People think we must be desperate and unattractive. They think something must be wrong for us. People feel that if we can't do it the traditional way, then we should not do it all. We should be happy with our "lot" in life and give up on our dreams of becoming mothers. Maybe God did not intend for us to become mothers.
I find this attitude short-sighted and unfair. Many of us who decide to become single mothers by choice are older, educated, financially stable and ready to become moms. We have more resources at our disposal than many young couples entering into parenthood. Why shouldn't we be parents? Why should we give up on our dreams? Why should we wait for Mr. Right to enter our lives, when our biological clocks are ticking? Many of us date, but simply have not found the right guy. In my case, I am divorced. Having a child with my ex-husband would have been a disaster. As I am running out of time to have a baby of my own, I began seriously considering donor insemination. Why should we forget about what modern science has to offer us in the way of conception by donor insemination and/or IVF? I believe that we should be given a chance to have the children we want and desire. I believe that in the end it is in God's control whether he allows us to conceive by donor insemination. It is the right decision for me.
Because I have held firmly to my desire to conceive a child, my friend and I are no longer talk. She could not come to terms with my decision. I refused to change my mind. So, there you go. I know that I what I am doing is the right thing for me! I know I will have my child. Those who are with me, are with me. Those who are not with me, are against me. That being said, I have to move on with my life. I have to live my life for me, my happiness and the happiness of my child. My little Jaydon and I will have, in our lives, those who can appreciate him/her and my decision to have him/her even in the face of adversity.
Thank God for my close friends who actually do support me. I shall not be dissuaded. Jaydon mommy will do anything within her power to ensure you have a chance at life!
4 COMMENTS:
Initially, I had negative reactions to my going it alone, mostly from family. My Dad couldn't wrap his mind around it and tried to turn my rest of my family against me. My step-sister continually tells me I'm crazy since she can barely manage her two kids - with a husband.
Once they arrived, my Dad no longer cares how they got here. My step-sister still thinks I'm nuts, but I probably am.
You will also get a lot of positive reactions. I had one nurse tell me how brave she thought I was. She had considered doing it, but never gathered the courage.
Some people just don't have the insatiable drive to be a Mom and therefore will never understand your decision. As long as you know its right for you, that's all the matters.
Thanks Sarah!! It's good to hear that someone else had similar experiences!! I have told the naysayers and negative people, that once the baby is here, they won't care how he/she got here. But, I guess the proof will have to be in pudding. This is the right decision for me!!
I do have positive reactions from many of my friends. The couple who were negative about it have been released from my life!!!! Hopefully, they will come back around once Jaydon is here.
I'm sorry you've experienced such negativity. Since i started TTC a year ago (and talked about my desire for a child, even as an SMC, for years), I've only had support from family and friends (married & single). However after 6 IUI's and 2 IVF's and an official diagnosis of unexplained infertility, people are questioning how I can keep going. You do what you have to do to make your dreams come true.
And yes, being a single mom will have its challenges, no doubt! But it will also have advantages, because all decisions are your own!
Single Mom 2b. Yes, it's been hard dealing with the negativity. But there are those who are positive. I love my choice. I stand by my choice. Even with a third failed cycle, I'm not giving up hope yet. It is really hard to stay positive, but somehow I will and am!!! It's hard for us! But we will have our children!!!
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