My decision to have a baby brought a breath of fresh air to my life. There was just one wrinkle in my plan–I didn’t have a man!!! I’d broken up with the guy I was seeing one month before being told by the doctor that I had to have a baby right away. Considering the fact that in order to get pregnant, one needs a man’s sperm to meet a woman’s egg, I realized I was missing a big piece to the puzzle. Well, how in the world could I contemplate getting pregnant if I didn’t have a husband or even a boyfriend?
The baby daddy question occupied my thoughts night and day. I tossed and turned at night. Pulled at my hair during the day. Thank goodness I wear acrylic nails or I would have bitten my finger nails until they bled. You need sperm to have a baby. I DIDN’T HAVE ANY SPERM!! What in the world was I going to do?
One day-in the midst of agonizing over this “little” wrinkle in my plan, a light bulb went off and in big, bold letters I saw the word “INSEMINATION” flash brightly in my mind’s eye! I was so pleased with this epiphany. Plenty of women have done it. Why can’t I? Well, I absolutely can do it. I was so pumped after making this decision. The answer to my agonizing had presented itself.
Alas, my relief was short-lived, as a whole new set of issues presented themselves. Whose going to be the father? Should I ditch the idea of insemination altogether and ask my ex-boyfriend to take me back? Is there anyone I know who will agree to this? If I don’t know someone who will do this for me , will I really consider an anonymous donor–being injected with a total stranger’s sperm? If I chose an anonymous donor, will my child ever know his or her father? So many questions, so few answers.
So with my warped way of thinking, I did the most logical thing one could, I contacted my ex-boyfriend and asked if he would consider donating his sperm and giving up all rights to the child. You see, if there wasn’t going to be a full-time father, then I wanted to raise the child on my own. And I didn’t want to get back with my ex-boyfriend. I broke up with him for a reason and those issues remained. But, if he would agree to let me have his sperm and didn’t require parental rights, then I would be happy. I would allow my child to contact his or her father when the child was older. The two of them could develop a relationship at that time, if that is what the child wanted. Yeah, all was well with this plan in the screwed up organ I have for a brain. Needless to say, my proposal didn’t pan out too well. My ex-boyfriend wanted me back. He didn’t want to father a child and then not be involved in that child’s life. I stuck to my guns and insisted on him donating. He agreed grudgingly. But never carried through. I don’t think he ever had any intention on doing so. Seriously, who can blame the guy? I certainly don’t!!!
So, I shared my desire to conceive with a co-worker. We’d never dated, never been physical, nothing. Right there on the spot, he offered to father my child (but not by insemination). I would have to agree to actual intercourse and marriage. Marriage? I didn’t want to get married again. Oh yea, did I mention I married quite a few years ago and divorced less than two years later? Let’s just say, I’m quite happy being single after that experience. But, my co-worker was adamant regarding marriage. At this point, my life started to read like a freakin’ soap-opera. Does this really happen to normal, ordinary, everyday people? I guess it does because it was happening to me. I actually considered it, I really did!!! But, as my co-worker and I started to discuss this in earnest, I realized he and I wouldn’t suit. Our thoughts and ideas on religion, raising children and other pertinent issues differed way too much. I would be miserable, which would in turn, make my child miserable. After several months of us talking about it and going back and forth, I decided that I could not commit to marry him and raise a child with him with all our differences. Soooo, I was back at square-one. I’m surprised I still have hair will all the tugging on it I was doing.
That being said, I had to seriously consider the idea of an anonymous donor. I discovered there were two types, open and completely anonymous. If I chose an open-donor, then the issue I had with my child never knowing his or her father would be deleted. I discovered how rigorously donors are tested for genetic and sexually-transmitted diseases, as well as the extensive medical history on not just the donor, but the donor’s children (if they have any), mother, father, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Additionally, there is extensive information on the donor’s education, profession, grades, likes and dislikes and personality tests. I dare say, most women know more about their sperm donor than a man they would date and subsequently marry!!! After discovering all this information, the decision to use an anonymous donor was much easier to accept.
I know many people reading this will not be understanding of my decision. But, I implore you to hold off on judging. I have found that most people who are negative regarding donor insemination don’t know much about it and have children of their own. My decision was the right one for me. My decision has brought me much relief. No more headaches or worry regarding this issue. Now, if I can just get pregnant!! It’s not going to be easy at my age and with my health issues.
Next time, I will start to talk about the testing and surgeries I’ve had to endure on my journey to Motherhood.